Dear Survivor producers: Thank you, thank you, thank you for casting Coach on the latest installment of your never-ending reality series. If it wasn’t for his melodramatic, self-involved, pain-in-the-ass antics, this season would have been incredibly dull. All the eye candy (Carolina, Sydney) and big breasts (Candace) got booted early, along with the annoying old […]
Paula, I’m yours. So much so that I’ve devised my own little pet moniker for you and you alone: Pauler. I know, if I ever got the chance to meet you, you’d fall in love with it, wouldn’t you? Oh, Pauler: I love the way your eyes glaze over whenever you see a fair face […]
Dear Marshall Eriksen, Look, I know this is weird because you’re kind of married, but I think you should know that I’m in love with you. It would be enough for me if you were an environmentally-passionate lawyer, but I forget until I marathon old episodes how friggin’ cute you are. You sing everything you […]
Dear Greg Daniels, No! And I mean every syllable. What have you done? This time last year, you had us all salivating over rumors of a spin-off of The Office. My wife, a huge Toby Flenderson fan, only made it through Toby’s retirement party by imagining him helming his own series (not that it would […]
Hey, Paramount Pictures! I have a bone to pick with you! I just saw the most recent commercial for the new Star Trek film. You know, the one with the fighting and the jumping and the naked women and the sex and the lasers that go ‘boop boop boop’. Well, amongst all the fighting and […]
To Kate Gosslein, star of Jon & Kate Plus 8: What are you doing? Okay, that’s a pretty open question. It could mean so many things, like what you’re doing this minute, or what you are doing with one of your kids, or why you’re constructing a statue of Octomom in your front yard. So, let me […]
