The fanfare and the music and the costumes and the low-level celebrities are back on Dancing with the Stars, and this season between my buddy Chuck and I? We’ll keep you in the loop and twirling ’round the floor! (Although when it’s my turn to review it, the snarkery may give you a touch of vertigo.) See, our plan is to alternate back and forth on the reviews, sometimes popping in with a joint dialogue to really dissect this incredibly important event. *snicker* Hopefully you’ll stick with us throughout, and leave your thoughts and comments too. You will?
That’s fabulous!
Well, the premiere fell to me. I have to admit that I’ve been watching this thing on and off for a long time now, and tonight was absolutely the best first effort of the bunch. No one was super bad! Oh there were some stumbles and gaffs. But I wasn’t hiding my face red with embarrassment for one of these contestants. Some came out swinging harder than others, that’s true. But all in all? A mighty fine How Do You Do.
Here’s the rundown:
Maria Menounos and Derek Hough: Dang. This chick has a body built for dancing. As I’m not even a guy or a lesbian and I sat up and took notice? That tells you something. (Mostly that I should stop eating Reese’s peanut butter and chocolate cereal for breakfast. Darnit!)
All the pairs either had the fox trot or the cha cha. Maria and Derek did a most respectable cha cha. The judges liked her and gave her straight sevens. Bruno told her to “open up the sex spot.” Oh Bruno! What would we do without you on this family show?
Jack Wagner and Anna Trebunskya: I had to chortle when Jack introduced himself as an actor and a pop star. Um … Okay, Jack. If you really believe that. (Perhaps all that plastic surgery has also caused brain cell death? One hit twenty zillion years ago does not a pop star make!)
Anyway, I thought Jack was not as good as Maria. Yet he got a better score. Two eights and a seven. From where I sat, his arms were stiff and his footwork was lacking. He kind of clodded around the floor to me. I simply did not get the “feel good” vibes that the judges mentioned. Shrug.
Donald Driver and Peta Murgatroyd: What a pleasant surprise! I just adore this guy. He’s got panache and charisma oozing out of his pores. And! He can really dance. Donald let us know in the background package that he’s always been interested in doing this show and has studied the performances of previous athletes. (He’s a professional football player for those of you scratching your heads.) It’s already paying off for him. He got straight sevens which I thought was a gyp, considering. Maybe it was his misfortune to be placed near the beginning of the show, when the judges weren’t giving out the lavish scores that came later.
Gavin DeGraw and Karina Smirnoff: Although I was enchanted by Gavin’s personality, he’s in trouble. As a singer you’d think he’d have built in musicality. Not the case. He’s got flat feet that are clunky. His arms move about strangely. I don’t think he should dust a spot on the mantle for the Mirrorball Trophy anytime soon. Oh heck. I’m trying to be nice about it, but the guy’s gone within a matter of a couple weeks. Sorry. (Score of twenty.)
Roshon Fegan and Chelsie Hightower: Roshon is a Disney kid. So, of course I have no idea who he is. But I liked him. He’s got spunk, energy and is very fluid. Seems he gets the steps right as well. Also? No one can touch him in the confidence department. The judges “oohed” his cha cha and gave him a score of twenty-three. No too bad, kid.
Sherri Shepherd and Maks’ Brother Val: The judges were right. Sherri is fun to watch. And for a gal her size, she can find her way around the floor. But we all know how far being “fun” can take you on this show. I don’t have too much more to say about that. Except that maybe the ladies who follow The View might keep her around longer than I want to see her. (Score of twenty-three.)
Melissa Gilbert and The Ever Dreaded But Hot Maks: I had such high hopes for these two! I am by no means giving up on them yet. That would be foolish. However, Maks has his work cut out for him with Melissa. She was tense and stiff. The judges said they saw potential, so that’s good. Sigh. Count on it that in the coming weeks we’ll see The Taskmaster in full force. Poor Melissa. I rather feel bad for her already. But I also need her to buck up, and if anyone can make a dancer of her … it’s Maks. Look what he accomplished with Kirstie! (Score of only twenty. I myself mentally added four points for Maks having his shirt undone. Does that count?)
William Levy and Cheryl Burke: Alright. The crowd went crazy. The women were squealing. This guy’s supposedly The Mexican Brad Pitt. Huh. I get that he’s good looking. I’m not dead. But honestly? Really muscle-ish dudes like this are not my cuppa. I’ve always liked the nice ones with personality. Hey! Like Gavin DeGraw! I thought he was actually more attractive.
You can’t blame me for only addressing his looks up to this point. That’s all the judges were talking about. Carrie Ann drooled and thanked ABC for her job … Bruno asked him to wear less clothes … geez! His hotness will ease him through a few weeks, as he has very little technique. He’s not an abysmal dancer, but he ain’t great. (Score of twenty-four.)
Martina Navratilova and Tony Dovolani: Again with how the contestant looks. So Martina hasn’t worn a dress in twenty years. So what? The judges spent so much time praising her appearance that the critiques of her dancing were almost lost. That’s because she seems a nice kind of gal and they didn’t want to french fry her.
Sorry. But it’s true. She was in no way “refined” Carrie Ann! She was like a horse attempting to step through a cold stream. With rocks in it. (Score of twenty. Does that tell you something?)
Katherine Jenkins and Mark Ballas: Mark’s a great partner, and I’ve come to love his choreography. This seems as if it may be the perfect match up. They’re ones to watch. That’s all. (Score of twenty-six. Amazing for the first week, and a new high in DWTS history for the first week of competition.)
Gladys Knight and Tristan MacManus: I’m so happy that Gladys didn’t do as badly as I feared. She’s a little slow, but definitely a crowd favorite. I saw rhythm and and a great willingness to succeed. But if we’re being honest here? She’s going soon. Go ahead. Boo me. We all love Gladys. But I have to calls ‘em as I sees ‘em. (Score of twenty-three. Cause she’s Gladys!)
And that brings us to …
Jaleel White and Kym Johnson: I don’t like Jaleel. I met him several years ago and he was extremely rude. So that clouds my judgment, I admit. But I also have to bow down to the fact that he was one of the best dancers of the night, and was worthy of the kudos he received. He was smooth. He was entertaining. He did have the easy grace of Gregory Hines. The judges were spot on. (Score of twenty-six, tying him with Katherine.)
He’ll probably go far. But that doesn’t mean I have to be voting for him.
So there you have it, my Dancing Friends. Who got you springing in your step right out of the box?
After one more performance next week, someone has to exit stage right on Tuesday. Any guesses? If you missed tonight’s show, find all the celebrity bio, photos or watch online here.
Clacked by Tara Shrodes
on Mar 20, 2012 @ 02:48 EST5EDT
Great show, looking forward to next week. One thing … I think Bruno told Maria to open up the sex pot (in her). All of the stars did incredibly well, and I figured Martina would have been the worst of the bunch. And she pretty much was but she still didn’t clomp around the stage like Wendy Williams did (love you, Wendy!). Unless she shows some major improvement next week, I’d say she’s the first to go. Gavin probably has enough of a fan base to keep him a while longer, but he should be quickly dismissed as well. It’s going to be a fierce competition!
Told you Donny Driver would surprise you. Hope he does well. But football fans aren’t generally Dancing with the Stars voters, so I don’t count on it.