What’s this show called … Shaq Vs?

This week I got thrown for a bit of a loop — I sat down yesterday to check out my chosen show-of-the-week (24 Hour Restaurant Battle), only to discover that what had been recorded was not what should have been. There’s something weird about that Food Network, I tell you.

Which left me scrambling to find something from my “maybe” list that I could catch in time for my column today. The result? Shaq Vs.

For those of you who’ve never heard of this show (bless your little hearts), it’s all about NBA center Shaquille O’Neal challenging top athletes to competitions in their respective sports. Or so it used to be … this season introduced a variation on the theme, with Shaq also challenging people who are champions in all kinds of different arenas — spelling bees, dancing, singing, magic — to a modern-day duel. By the way, I do have an existing bias against the guy, so don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Anyway, it’s funny that the premise of the show is that Shaq’s out to prove that he’s the world’s greatest competitor. Maybe try hitting a free throw first? But enough of my bitterness.

The first challenge went out to Joey “Jaws” Chestnut, competitive eater extraordinaire. He became the eating champ back in 2007, when he set a world record by eating sixty-six hot dogs and buns in twelve minutes. Gross.

What I appreciated was that, despite his normal bravado, Shaq absolutely recognized that he couldn’t out-eat a guy like that. He sort of struggled to understand that size doesn’t translate to competitive eating, but he knew he couldn’t win head-to-head. But here’s where it got stupid: instead of challenging Chestnut one-on-one, Shaq’s challenge pitted Jaws against Shaq and five teammates. Huh? What does that prove by way of a competition? It was ludicrous from the start, but the fact that Chestnut lost to six people 36 to 35 in the final second tells me that Shaq really lost the competition (although, didn’t we all really lose?). And that they’re all gross and need to take some time to evaluate where their lives have taken them.

The second challenge made even less sense. Out to prove that he can beat the best at their specialty, Shaq challenged Charles Barkley, notorious for his terrible golf swing, to a golf challenge. Not Tiger Woods, Phil Mickelson, or Ernie Els, but Charles Barkley. Hell, not even Michael Jordan, who’s at least known for his skills on the golf course. What’s the prize (and the bragging rights) for beating someone who sucks?

It was funny that Shaq kept on mentioning his putt-putt skills. The wager was fun, too — if Shaq won, he had to kiss Barkley’s TNT broadcast partner and former NBA player Kenny Smith on the corner of the lips (“Not on the lips, but on the corner of the mouth.”) And if he lost, Barkley had to run around in a pink bikini. Although, what about Shaq’s original wager of free jet usage?

The challenge paired each NBA player with a golf pro for a 5 hole, best-score-wins match. The golfing was parts miserable, parts okay (you can guess who played how), but the good-natured ribbing was fun. And they couldn’t have scripted a better ending (was it a set-up?), Shaq beating Barkley with a birdie putt on the sudden death sixth hole. Well, Barkley winning would have made it better, but it didn’t look so great for Shaq (or his pro Anthony Kim) to cut it so close.

The series could be fun, but the overhanging problem with it is that Shaq’s ego is even larger than his giant body. And the entire show is predicated on his belief that he’s the best in the world at everything. My existing feelings for him aside, barely scraping by in rigged contests doesn’t feed into the greatness legend.

This one was a bust. Scripted show next week, but hopefully I’ll be able to catch 24 Hour Restaurant Battle before it ends for the season.

Clacked by Aryeh S.
on Aug 30, 2010 @ 16:13 EST5EDT