Hell’s Kitchen – I very apologize for the food be late

Well, I’m glad I pulled you in, because so far, no one’s using the most correct English. But, if you’re a fan of Hell’s Kitchen, you know it’s all about chaos, cooking and swearing anyway. And the kitchen is really heating up, my pals.

I’ve chosen to give you this week’s review in two separate doses, as the show was a double whammy last night. If I tried to shmush it all into one, I wouldn’t do my Gordon Ramsay justice. We can’t have that. He might tell me to f*#@ off, as I remain certain he secretly reads everything I write about him.  Then I’d be all crying and snot would run everywhere. Not pretty. So here’s my thoughts on episode one.

As always we start with the challenge. Gordon has been trying to get these cooks back to the basics in recent weeks, with competitions between the two teams before dinner service. This time, it’s a simple menu for the USC marching band and cheerleaders. You know, just burgers and fries and such. Wow. For California kids, they aren’t too interested in the healthy fare, except of course for the freaking cheerleaders. Who all order frickin’ salads. No I’m fat! I can’t have a sandwich! I weighed like 98 this morning!  Figures.  Hmm? What? Was I just rude? Nonsense!

Anyway, it was a pretty close race, and the women finally win one. They get to go to Malibu, while the men help clean up a portion of the L.A. River. Ew. What is the matter with people? Did you know that the L.A. river is polluted with tires, wires, bikes, mufflers, chandeliers, and shopping carts? I mean, who does that? The guys were freaked out, and I don’t blame them one bit.

Meanwhile, the gals hit the beach and play soccer with Gordon and his lovely children. And his wife. He pulled his wife out again to taunt me. That’s really all I have to say about that. Except! Watch contestant Maria. She obviously is harboring the nasty hots for Gordon. More about this later.

Come dinner service, Gordon picks Holli and Salvatore to help his maitre d John Phillipe out on the floor. I must say, I issued a hardy har har at this one. Salvatore can’t even speak English! How can he relate to the customers there Gordon? Turns out, very very badly. And there’s my headline! That’s a direct quote from Salvatore to some irritated customers.

Also, no one in the kitchen can read his tickets. Salvatore reveals he can’t write in English either. C’mon, he’s only been here 21 years! And before you yell at me, I believe in people retaining their heritage. But! In episode one, Sal said he hasn’t learned English because he’s more successful with the “ladies” that way. So he’s fair game to me.

Good ole J.P. rewrites them. And, after many more mishaps in communication, Gordon blows his famous gasket at Sal. I knew it would happen. So did Gordon. I was really confounded by his choice, as this is week three and we all know that if Sal doesn’t come with subtitles, then we’re screwed. Hmm. Why try to piss yourself off, Gordon? It seems with this crew, you have enough problems.

Take Fran. Gordon calls her “the old dog that can’t be taught new tricks.” Fran burns her hand early in service, but tries to hide it. Why, I couldn’t tell you, because it messes up her performance. She’s a nervous one anyway, so the more her hand hurts, the more mistakes she makes. I was literally scrunched down in my armchair as Gordon honed in on her. It was rather brutal. Fran kept under and over-cooking meat, and Gordon kept screaming at her until she was in tears. Thank goodness Autumn finally put an end to it by telling Gordon she was hurt.

Look, I’m on board with the women’s complaints about Autumn. She constantly butts into her teammates work, and her incessant,  butt-kissy cheer leading is definitely chafing. (Whoops. There I go about cheer leaders again.) However, someone needed to step in.

Turns out Fran was lucky this time around. Even though the women lose and she’s up for elimination, so is Jamie. This girl is just a waste of Gordon’s time. She burns carrots and scorches mashed potatoes. I think even I could handle that, and I can’t cook my way out of a paper bag.

So I’m waving a big Ba Bye to Jamie. As Gordon says, being a chef means having “creativity, leadership qualities and passion. Jamie had passion.” Another one bites the dust. The next episode is even better. Stay tuned for part two!

Clacked by Tara Shrodes
on Jun 16, 2010 @ 09:00 EST5EDT