I’m pretty sure that global warming is responsible for the paucity of juicy quotes this past week. Think about it for a second — unseasonably warm weather in late Winter/early Spring sends TV writers outdoors in droves. Their pale, scientist-nerdy, alabaster skin sizzles in the unexpectedly strong sun, rendering them incapable of clear thought, or intelligible writing. The cool, but brainless, actors have no idea what to do or say, because it’s the writers who are the brains, and as a result they’re left mumbling nonsense about belly button lint and pet rocks.
So if you think about it, what we’ve compiled below is really the gold that managed to nuzzle its way through … in that case, you’re welcome.
30 Rock
“Typical liberal media. This is why I get all my news from Dick Cheney’s website, dickviews.com.” – Jack
“As much as I want to, I can’t slap the brat out of them” – Pete, on Jenna and Tracy
“You’ll never be a Silver Panther.” – Jack
“I don’t care! I’ll start my own group. Rejection from society is what created the X-Men!” – Liz
“Glistening black and white skin, it looked like a close-up of a killer whale being born!” – Tracy, on his sex dream about Kenneth
American Idol
“You sucked the soul out of that song … you did … sucked it out and tortured it and ruined one of the great pop songs of all time.” – Simon Cowell to Andrew Garcia, critiquing his performance of “I Heard It Through The Grapevine”
Community
“You’re more of a fun vampire. Because you don’t suck blood … you just suck.” – Troy, about Britta
Greek
“Hey Cal, there’s a Jehovah’s Witness here to see you.” – Tripp to Calvin when Dale came to visit him
“Ah, I’m a Baptist, thank you. That’s like mistaking a Methodist for a Lutheran.” – Dale
The Middle
“Whoa! I can’t believe how awesome you guys are.” – Axl to his parents, upon seeing the new pool table in the basement
“Well, it’s the shock in your voice that makes it all worthwhile.” – Mike
Modern Family
“It’s not your fault, Honey. ‘Mother’ is part of the word. You never hear of anyone being ‘sfathered’ to death.” – Phil, to Claire after he hints that she smothers the kids
Rules of Engagement
“With all due respect, and quite frankly I’m not sure any is due.” – Timmy to Russell
South Park
“Matthew Broderick, are you upset your wife is made fun of so much in the book?” – Reporter
“Well, obviously I think it’s just wrong to make fun of anybody’s physical appearance. My wife is a beautiful woman, and I know that most people agree with me.” – Matthew Broderick
“Uh huh. And Matthew, how come a transvestite donkey witch is standing next to you and why is it wearing a dress?” – Reporter
Clacked by Aryeh S.
on Mar 28, 2010 @ 12:00 EST5EDT
