The story of the week couldn’t help but creep into this week’s Quotation Marks. Yes, Conan just got paid 30 million to just walk away. It’s about as opposite from, “I hate to watch you go, but love to watch you leave,” as you possibly could get, eh?
The Tonight Show
“Hello, my name is Conan O’Brien and I may soon be available for children’s parties.” — during Conan’s opening monologue
“I guess what I’m really saying is, septic waste is my passion.” — Mike on a job interview
Criminal Minds
“So death isn’t this UnSub’s goal, it’s an unfortunate side effect.” — Hotch to Reid
“Jeff, I hope you’ve got an armful of raisins, because I’ve got a major scoop.” — Annie
“I was thinking as a group we could start saying ‘you go girl’, not in a way that’s ‘oh, I’m so cool, I’m saying you go girl’, but in a way that we’re sort of winking at it.” — Buddy
“This is the first desk I’ve seen in six months that doesn’t have ‘Zeppelin Rules’ carved into it.” — Jeff, about the fancy desk for the editor of the school newspaper
“Annie’s pretty young; we try not to sexualize her.” — Jeff
“No one will care about my time in rehab if they think I’m a writer!” — Annie
“What else did your baby get that we could play with?? [Notices the whole class looking at him] … Just give him 30 ccs of … ah … medicine … Stat.” — Turk, playing with JD’s walkie talkie
“OK, lets just avoid the breast region. They’re big but they’re not for touching, too sore. And lets avoid the thighs, they’re like memory foam. They leave a hand print.” — Eliot while attempting “Pregnancy Sex”
Parks and Recreation
“Okay, who’s your ideal man?” — Ann
“I would say… the brains of George Clooney with the body of Joe Biden.” — Leslie
“I’m trying to think of this as an adventure, you know, getting back on that horse. Even if that horse is crazy and wants to peer inside my body.” — Leslie, on her blind date
“I’m back on the horse, and this horse is a lawyer, so I’m looking forward to riding it. No … wait.” — Leslie
“I know it’s a girl, Liz Lemon, because I yelled Susan B. Anthony at the moment of conception!” — Tracy, on his unborn child.
“She’s at the beach house alone. That’s the most divorced sentence I’ve ever heard.” — Jack
“Before you worked here were you an ass scientist because your ass blah, blah, blah, you get the point.” — Tracy, chatting up a woman at work
“I’m the actor James Franco damn it, and I’m in love with, and common law married to a Japanese body pillow!” — James Franco
“I want to be TGS’s Steve Nash: come down from Canada, work hard, make the black guy look good.” — Danny
“I won’t calm down! Women are allowed to get angrier than men about double standards!” — Liz
“Sir, I don’t mean to swear, but I’m irritated.” — Kenneth
“Here’s my problem with quidditch — if the snitch is worth 150 points, why even bother with the quaffle?”– Twofer
“Maybe Danny kissed a girl. Maybe that Russian dancer with the back tattoo. The trifecta.” — Jack
“That girl has a name, Jack. We call her Skankovitch.” — Liz
Modern Family
“Claire, this is a very delicate situation. If we don’t handle it right Luke could end up developing an unhealthy attitude about sex. Or agribusiness.” — Phil
“That’s hardly porn, it was a topless woman on a tractor. You know what they call that in Europe? A cereal commercial.” – Phil
“You’re not mad at me, you’re mad at the old balls and chain.” – Jay to Mitchell
“He comes when you need him. He’s like Batman, but straight.” – Cam, about their gardener
Better Off Ted
“Employees must now use offensive or abusive language in the workplace” — Memo from Veridian Dynamics to the entire company.
Choicest resulting insults:
The Simpsons
“The world may end in 2012, but this show won’t.” — from the blackboard gag at the beginning of the show
Leverage
“Cleavers. Haven’t done that in a while.” — Eliot
House
“Everyone in our building thinks we’re gay.” — Wilson
“We’re grown men over the age of 30 who moved in together. We’re two tigers away from an act in Vegas.” — House
“I need the drugs.” – House
“We’re in textiles.” – drug dealer
“I NEED THE DRUGS! (pause) Hm … it works for Jack Bauer.” – House
Clacked by Ivey West 
on Jan 17, 2010 @ 14:21 EST5EDT
I’m shocked you didn’t include Conan’s…
The network has been calling me every name under the sun. They think I’m such an idiot they want me to run the network.
Hello I’m Conan O’Brien a future answer to a $200 question on Jeopardy.