If you’re a guy, it’s kind of a given that you dig cars, trucks, motorcycles, bulldozers … pretty much anything with wheels and an engine. Even a few of the ladies out there are proud gear-heads. You know who you are. I myself am no aficionado, but I can’t help but strain my neck at the sight of a Lamborghini, or Lotus, or ’77 Trans Am. It’s like ogling a beautiful woman: the fine lines, sexy curves, smooth moves, and big, beautiful headlights. Ouch! My girl just punched me in the arm. Was it the headlight metaphor? Yeah … that was it. Sorry, I guess.
Anyway, I love me a nice auto. And since I eat and drink movies and TV on a daily basis, it only makes sense that I should pit a few of my most favorite fictional rides from over the years. I could easily compile a list of dozens, but for this post, I’m going to narrow the scope to five on five. Think of it as a “chickie run,” like the one James Dean raced in Rebel Without a Cause. It’s big screen versus small screen. Whichever medium takes the best out of five will be declared the winner. So crank those ignitions and wait for the signal.
Race #1 – VW Hippie Bus from Fast Times at Ridgemont High vs. The Mystery Machine from Scooby-Doo, Where Are You!
You got teenage potheads on one side, and teenage crime solvers on the other. Jeff Spicoli goes mano-a-mano with Shaggy. Which of these ragtag crews comes out on top? Fred’s a dandy and a tool, but that works to his advantage in the driver’s seat. Jeff’s “Stoner Buds” suffer from a poor sense of direction and slowed reflexes.
Winner: The Mystery Machine.
Race #2 – 1968 Ford Mustang 390 Fastback from Bullitt vs. 1966 Ford Mustang from Mickey Spillane’s Mike Hammer
A hard-boiled cop, and a hard-nosed private eye. Steve McQueen, the king of cool, goes head-to-head with convicted cokehead Stacy Keach. Who ya got? Hammer has his trusty pistol, “Betsy,” at his side, but nobody beats Lt. Frank Bullitt when it comes to speed. Hammer just can’t hang.
Winner: No contest. The ’68 Fastback.
Race #3 – Dodge M4S Turbo Interceptor from The Wraith vs. KITT from Knight Rider
A dead guy/alien/avenging angel faces off with an undercover cop with a new identity, who fights crime. The M4S has supernatural abilities. KITT is blessed with artificial intelligence and can speak. Whoa! This battle of metallic monsters will be tightly contested.
Winner: By the slimmest of margins, KITT outlasts the Wraith mobile.
Race #4 – Jack Burton’s big rig from Big Trouble in Little China vs. B.J. McKay’s big rig in B.J. and the Bear
There’s nothing better than watching a couple semi-trucks trade some paint. Jack Burton likes to tangle with demons and sorcerers. B.J. travels with a pet chimpanzee named Bear. This pair of road kings don’t give up easily. Who triumphs in this double-clutching clash?
Winner: Jack Burton, of course. C’mon, it’s “The Pork-Chop Express!”
Race #5 – The 1973 Ford XB Falcon V8 Interceptor from The Road Warrior vs. the Ferrari 308 GTS from Magnum, P.I.
Now this is a classic showdown, folks. It seems only fitting that we end this slate of engagements with two of the coolest, and most recognizable, of fictional whips. You got Mad Max in the left lane, and Thomas Magnum in the right. One is an ex-cop living in a post apocalyptic nightmare. The other is a Vietnam vet living in a Hawaiian paradise. Both excel behind the wheel, and both possess excellent survival instincts.
Winner: I almost called this one a push, but the last of the V8 Interceptors is too much for the Italian speed machine.
Movies take this one by a final score of 3-2. Although, I have a feeling TV will be more than happy to accept a rematch. The small screen still has a garage full of vehicles ready for action. Look for part deux sometime next month. See you at the track, race fans.
Clacked by Scott Tunstall 
on Jul 28, 2009 @ 13:00 EST5EDT
I’m pretty sure the Mystery Machine was also occupied by teenage potheads as well.
I with you except for #3 and I’d have to call a tie on #5. And to be honest, both my exceptions to yours were also by very slim margins. I think KITT lost for me because I still have the sour taste of the weak recent remake.
An I gotta agree with ac when he says the good, old Mystery Machine was also occupied by teenage potheads. Nobody has a constant case of the munchies without a little, um, aromatic assistance.
Shaggy was a pothead. And Scoobs probably inhaled some second hand residue. The rest were a bunch of straight edges. Fred worse an ascot for Pete’s sake!!
Shame on you Lenny for acknowledging the Knight Rider rehash. The ’80s KITT is the shit!!
Hm. What would Q say to this list?
Mineme alone blasts all of TV out of the water. Love that small helicopter :-)
Aw *curse* damn Austin Powers. Little Nellie.
So embarrassing…
It did have more armament than Airwolf, but the best part was how Q assembled it out of four suitcases.