John and Kate and the Not So Big Announcement

Boys and girls, it’s Circle Time! Put your toys away and come join me on the rug. Yes, you too Bobby … you know I don’t like you playing craps unless I get a piece of the action. Today we’re going to tell a story of  two people who learned the valuable lesson that money does not buy happiness (or, you reap what you sew; your choice). Though, it does buy a million dollar home and a ton of tanning sessions.

Once upon a time there was a married couple named Jon and Kate Gosselin. Jon & Kate lived in modest Pennsylvania home with eight adorable children (Yes, Tommy, Kate gave birth to them all … they didn’t steal them). For years they lived as simply as they could while maintaining order in the chaos of the home. The only thing they were known for was the second family in Pennsylvania to have sextuplets.

One day, the family was noticed by the evil wizard known as Tel E. Vision, who asked them to be in a series of specials about multiple births. That eventually led to a special of their own and, shortly, a series on TLC titled Jon & Kate Plus 8. The show became an instant success as viewers ooohed and aahed over the darling kids, and grinned and grimaced through the parents’ quibbles, spats, tiffs, fights, arguments, and insane rages about not using a coupon.

Things were going well for Jon & Kate,  until Mr. Gosselin decided to make an asinine move and get photographed with a number of college coeds (Yes, Becky, asinine means that someone acts like an ass. You get a gold star.) Then there were rumors that Kate was having an affair with her bodyguard. Things went quickly downhill from that point as the evil Tab Loids began to report on the Gosselins day and night, night and day. Eventually, the nation was obsessed with this reality show couple.

Because of that, Jon and Kate needed to go on the air at the beginning of this season and tell everyone that their martial issues were their business. Because of that, the ratings for the show reached an all-time high. Because of that, we watched and read and heard about John and Kate day, afternoon, and night. Because of that, people started to get really tired of the Gosselins.

They got so tired of them that their ratings tumbled after their season premiere. Now, because their show was in trouble along with their marriage, they needed to attach a “big announcement” (No, Ricky, I’m not cursing you; I’m just using air quotes) to the latest episode. Thing is, boys and girls, we already knew that Jon and Kate were getting a divorce (official as of Monday). That’s because Mr. Tel E. Vision and Mr. Tab Loids told us about it mid-morning, late afternoon and dusk. That, and you could see it on Jon & Kate’s own show over the last few weeks. This was just the confirmation that allowed your mommies and daddies to utter “Thank God” and move ahead with their lives.

So, what can we learn from the fate of Jon & Kate? First, there’s no such thing as an easy buck in this world: you can’t just sign up for a reality show and not think it will affect you in some way. Even when the stars of this reality show say it doesn’t affect them. Next, family is more important than the money you make off of them; just talk to Jon & Kate’s children 20 years from now during their group therapy sessions. Third, if you have eight kids you may want to try to work things out before throwing up your hands and crying “That’s it!” Finally, there are better ways to earn a living, such as prostitution, medical experimentation, and being a big ball tester on Wipeout.

All right, children, head over to your desks for snack time. Tomorrow I’ll tell you the story of Spencer and Heidi and the Case of Their Missing Brains.

Clacked by Richard Keller
on Jun 22, 2009 @ 22:42 EST5EDT