The DTV conversion is here! Are you?

Mr, and Mrs. Television, time’s up! If you didn’t know it already from the dozens of on-air notices that bore a little hole in your brain to make sure you remembered, today is the day that the United States goes digital. Sometime between now and the end of the day your favorite television networks will switch off their dusty, old analog signals for their shiny, new digital signals.

Unfortunately, it seems not all of you are aware of this change. In fact, about 2.8 million of you (according to Nielsen) will be watching a whole lot of snow on your Philco once the transition takes place. Of course, this will cause panic in those that can’t catch the latest edition of The Insider that features pictures of Kate Gosselin going to Dunkin Donuts. Well, I’m here to ease your fears. Here are a few things you can do while you contemplate the pros and cons of going digital.

• Watch your favorite shows online: Let’s face it, you weren’t watching anything on network television anyway. So, the loss of your analog signal really wasn’t a big thing since you can watch your favorite shows online. Then again, you may be part of the percentage of TV owners who still had a analog set with rabbit ears because you despise any new technology. Aaaannnnddd, in that case, you aren’t even reading what I’m writing.
• Just watch the snow: That hissing sound coming from your television’s tiny speaker is white noise, which tends to cancel out other sounds in your area and actually helps in a good night’s sleep. This means that leaving the TV on while the snow cascades across the screen can be a good thing. That, and it’s the only way you’ll be able to hear the aliens plan for their invasion of Earth.
• Talk to your significant other: You have to realize by now that television has reduced conversations with your spouse to mumbled answers of “Mmph,” “Huh,” and “Yes dear, whatever you say.” Now, with nothing to watch, and the aliens under radio silence, this is a perfect opportunity to have a conversation. You’ll either come to the realization that you love your spouse even more and no longer need television, or that you must have said “yes dear, whatever you say” at the inappropriate time because you have no idea how the hell you married this person in the first place. Jon and Kate, are you listening?
• Watch TV at a neighbor’s house: The problem with the world these days is that we don’t connect with our neighbors anymore. Hence, the reason why people are shocked when they hear that the guy who went on a murderous rampage at the local Piggly Wiggly was their next door neighbor. Why not correct that by watching TV at their house? Just make sure they’re home at the time just in case, you know, that person is a homicidal maniac.
• Just buy the damn converter box: Look, you’re going to do it anyway. So, just get past your fears that the box is a means of government spying and get it hooked up. And, don’t worry about missing those alien messages … you can tune them in on your microwave instead.

Clacked by Richard Keller
on Jun 12, 2009 @ 15:00 EST5EDT