Medium – Dude. You can totally rob a bank: here’s how

I may have started watching television crime dramas a little late (I didn’t watch my first episode of Law & Order until 2001-ish), but I have made up for that belated start in sheer quantity. As someone who watches a lot of TV about cops and lawyers, I’m obviously pretty close to being a cop or lawyer myself. So it is with my full blessing and vast knowledge and legal expertise that I tell you this: go ahead and rob a bank. As long as you give the money back and act real sorry about it all, you’re totally cool.

That’s what I took away from this week’s episode of Medium, at least. Well, that and don’t drive a car if you’re 11, but I had already learned that lesson myself — the hard way. But about the bank thing: it helps if you’re a sympathetic character, but don’t worry if you’re a bad person who lies and steals and whatnot, as long as you’re Of A Certain Age and alone, you’ll be fine. If you’re a woman Of A Certain Age, then don’t worry about it; you’re totally set.

I called the whole fake psychic thing from the very beginning. Granted, I thought the bank teller was in cahoots with the robbers, but either way, I knew that she didn’t dream about the robbery– that she simply knew about it beforehand. Even though I had kind of guessed the twist, I enjoyed the way it played out, especially the hilarious passive-aggression (“now I know you’re the big psychic around here…”).

Sure, there were some logic flaws that I chose to ignore, such as the fact that her chandelier could hold 170 lbs. or so of dead bank robber, or that that little bitty woman could get him off of said Chandelier Of Impossible Strength, load him into her car, drive out to the woods, get him out of her car and dump his body. But hey, things like that can be found in any TV show, and if you let that bother you, then there’s not really much out there for you to like.

The story continued to chug along to its inevitable conclusion: either the bank teller is caught, or she gives up. In this particular case, she realized that she’s in way over her head, what with the stealing of the bank robber’s car and money at gun point. She rushes to Allison’s house, admits everything and asks for help. Allison, being the moral, upstanding citizen we have gotten to know over the past five seasons, turns her in, and the bank teller goes to jail.

Except that’s totally not what happened at all.

Instead, the bank teller runs and cries to Allison, who in turn decides along with Devalos, that robbing a bank is no longer a crime. You can, in fact, in the state of Arizona, steal well over $200,000, the act of which leads to the death of someone else, and totally get off scott-free, provided you return the money.

In fact, no one will even tell your boss about your little transgression, so you can feel safe and secure in the fact that the job you’ve held at the bank (from which you stole over $200,000) for the past 25 years will be yours for another 25, should you so choose. Even better, your manager, who originally laughed at and mocked you, will suddenly fall in love with you and want to tango, despite the fact that he is Willie Garson and is gay.

Lesson learned: if you want to rob a bank, do it in Arizona. You may not get any money out of the deal, but you will get to tango with a gay dude, which is probably better than you’re doing now.

Clacked by Kona Gallagher
on May 26, 2009 @ 15:30 EST5EDT