And the Celebrity Apprentice is …

Does it really matter? And, I mean, more so than usual (and not just because, on this, my son’s first birthday, not much else is significant). Obviously for those of you who don’t watch the show: who cares? But, for those of us who do; what the hell? How did this season spiral from redemption to utter garbage?

I realize that this is all relative. The Apprentice was barely above a swim in refuse to begin with. But since being reincarnated with “celebrities” last year, at least there was some nice scenery along the way, a few interesting sights and sounds. However, over the course of the past few weeks, we’ve taken a nosedive below surface level, mouths and noses open as we inhale all that is smelly and disgusting in that great ocean of trash.

Believe me, I understand why the show needs to push the drama. Hell, even Clint Black took a crack at the editing last night, seeing as how it skews each episode to the brutal. But at least last season the animosity drove the competition: Trace Adkins felt as if Piers Morgan was a skeezy, scum-sucking human being (all fair points), while Piers looked at Trace as a squeamish little girl. But there was none of the incessant bickering and sheer idiocy that dominated the feud this year. I had less than zero interest in any of it.

And that’s besides the fact that the actual showdown between Momma Rivers and Annie Duke was pathetic. Annie was a strong player up until recently, when her sheer determination to win veered off into one-upmanship territory. And, Momma? A more under-qualified player has never graced the competition in all eight seasons that it’s been on television. There wasn’t a single thing beyond hypocrisy that she excelled at.

So I was definitely not looking forward to three hours of those two. At the same time, my favorite event last year was the auction, and I was at least able to get psyched about that last night. Alas, it was a total letdown.

The sheer velocity at which the grandeur of the finale downgraded from last season is astounding. An FIT hall for the event? The Museum of Natural History for the live boardroom? The only good thing about the latter was that, when discussing Annie at the beginning, Trump was walking alongside a shark. When discussing Joan? A dinosaur. Oh, and how about Trump’s entrance? “New York’s number one attraction?” I’ve seen better draws on the subway platform on 42nd Street.

I don’t remember if last year’s final task was aired with live sound from the boardroom hall, but this year’s cheering for the feud as it erupted onscreen was ridiculous. It sounded like someone had brought in the crowd from an Adam Lambert performance; no one could discern when the audio was off-key.

As per usual, fired “celebrities” joined the finalists for this task. Annie surrounded herself with Brande Roderick, Dennis Rodman, and Tom Green, while Momma chose Herschel Walker, Clint Black, and Baby (shocking!) Believe it or not, the dumbest move there was Momma picking Baby; at least Dennis and Tom had yet to prove themselves as total failures in the connections department. We already know that Baby’s a disaster.

From the start, the challenge was skewed in Momma’s direction. She had already proven an embarrassment as a fundraiser, so Trump inexplicably placed emphasis on four facets of the task that didn’t involve money. While there’s always been more to it than dollars, there’s nothing in a charity event that weighs more heavily than how much you can bring in. Period.

I tired quickly of both Momma and Annie, Momma for calling the task a showdown of “good versus evil” (why would she be so derogatory about herself?), and Annie for playing Momma’s game. If that’s really how distracted she can get, there’s no way she’s a “champion” anything.

I’ve also never understood how we’re to believe that Trump associates his name with an event where the primary organizers enter the fray the day before. There’s no way in the world that the “celebrities” either, a) haven’t been working on the event for months, and we’re only to believe that last week’s episode happened last week, or, b) in truth have minimal responsibility and the majority of the event is already organized. It’s just too transparent; give up the ruse!

Some observations:

• Jesse became insanely popular on the show. Check back and see what I said about him the first week or two. He’s made a name for himself with the masses.
• Why did people have to get on the sketchy bus to get their tickets for the Cirque du Soleil show? Talk about something that would never happen in New York.
• Momma’s “The More You Know” spot couldn’t have done more damage for her charity had she run video of her throwing the food in people’s faces. Less is more!
• Momma was 100,000,000,000% responsible for running off both her event planner and Annie’s. “I want people to feel like they’re entering a house of, you know,” when they enter the space. Was he really supposed to divine what that meant?
• Celebrity impersonators? Just because people would rather see the fake Momma Rivers than the real one doesn’t mean it was a smart move.

The end of the night made two things clear: while I dislike her, Annie’s event was the only one of the two that was something you’d call an event. And, Momma lacks sincerity in everything that she does. Those tears? Give me a break.

I enjoyed how Trump questioned Baby live about her meltdown, although I didn’t expect any honesty from her in response. I also laughed at Annie’s description of poker players as “investors,” because “poker’s a game of skill and not risk.” That there may be skill involved is true, but no informed investor gambles with their money the way a card player does. I’m not belittling what she does, but get a little perspective on it.

Momma is completely out of her mind. She ranted and railed at Annie whenever the latter opened her mouth, and Trump jumped in to back her up every time, no matter how ludicrous the claim. Piers and Trace (both of whom returned!) may have bickered, but this was just unwatchable. I enjoy the junk food quality of this show, but the entire incident, and the show allowing it to take place, has seriously made me question whether or not I’m going to tune in next year (deebopalula, I know you don’t want to see that happen. You may start your campaign to the network now.)

The results of the charity event were as expected: Trump lumped every aspect of the task that he could into Momma’s win column, because he needed to balance out Annie’s 3 to 1 fundraising advantage (as in $450 thousand to $150 thousand). Plus, Annie took the crown in charity integration. So, she integrated her charity best and raised more money for them, in a charity event finale. Momma had more people, more recognizable stars (who isn’t more recognizable than random poker players?), and better Kodak (the sponsor) integration. No contest right?

And no contest it was, as apparently Trump needed less than five minutes live with the two finalists to declare Momma the winner. Can I let you in on a little secret? I interpreted this from everyone’s raves about Momma’s stamina and energy: as horrible as you’ll think me, I believe Momma was being applauded for not dying. Because, otherwise, Trump declared her champion for … um … almost always showing up? For never shutting her mouth? For missing tasks yet still flying back for their conclusions? I’m not really sure what stamina and energy are supposed to mean in this application, so I think it’s the dying thing. I still don’t think that not dying trumps (uch) raising somewhere in the vicinity of $1 million over the course of a ten week charity competition, but I guess that’s just me. Some of us are just picky like that.

Okay, so that wraps another “celebrity” season. Only time (and next year’s roster) will tell if I’m around for the next go round. What did you all think?

Clacked by Aryeh S.
on May 11, 2009 @ 14:00 EST5EDT