Two options here. Either Coach has lived one of the most colorful lives in the history of humanity or the man is full of shit. I know a guy who’s so convincing with his bullshit stories that he manages to convince himself that they’re true. He’s regaled sagas of events I was at that went nothing at all like he recalls, and believed every word he spewed.
So I guess, in that regard there is a third option, too. Coach is full of shit, but he believes everything he says. We’ve had a lot of crazy contestants on Survivor over the years, but never before have we been witness to a story as outlandish as what Coach told the contestants tonight. And he told them this story in a moment of sadness because he wanted to show them that even when things seem to be at their worst, they can still get worse. Life lessons from the middle-aged white dude with the samurai topknot. Great.
Picture it. Sicily, 1933 … oh wait, wrong liar. Picture it, the Amazon jungle. Our intrepid hero, “Coach” has just turned down a deal with National Geographic to film his courageous journey down the Amazon River in a kayak. Oh if only they’d been there to see the indigenous people who captured him, beat him up and wanted to … eat … his ass? Anyway, luckily because Coach is Indiana Jones and MacGuyver, he was able to escape with the use of a hangnail and a button from his shirt.
What amazes me the most about this guy, though, is that he genuinely seems to be masterminding something behind the scenes. He got two votes on a night when his number seemed well and fully cooked. That Brendan got four and Sierra three only went to show that these people weren’t all on the same page at all. It’s too bad because I had hopes for the secret alliance. I do wonder if the producers will put Brendan’s Idol back into play.
It was interesting seeing how all those vote plans they had in place last week fell apart because of Joe’s medical evacuation canceling Tribal Council, but I didn’t expect a three-way split. Hell, it was one vote away from a three-way tie which would have been pretty damned awesome.
The other notable thing of the night, other than Coach’s increasingly erratic and bizarre verbal behavior, is Stephen’s slow decline into a neanderthal. Yes, he made fire, but so did early man. Early on, Stephen came across as one of the smart guys, but now he sits around slackjawed (literally!), gaping at JT and offering pearls of wisdom like “Wow!” and “Uh.” Maybe he’s got an infection in his brain.
Clacked by Jason Hughes 
on Apr 17, 2009 @ 13:00 EST5EDT
Dude, did you even watch the past 2 episodes? The votes split exactly how they talked about. I think Stephen and JT talked about it first, then went to Tyson with it.
4 for Brendan
3 for Sierra
2 for whoever (Brendan and Sierra’s votes)
That way, if Brendan played the idol, then B or S would be going home.
If I hear Coach say “cut the head off the dragon” or “I am the dragonslayer” one more time I’m going to behead myself with a broad sword. The guy is a complete ass, and yet I can’t stop watching.
I have watched all of the Survivor shows except the first one, and while there were contestants that I didn’t like, Coach, from this season is the only one I would love to punch flat in the face. What a pompous, arogant, crap spewing ass. He is useless in any of the competitions, but puts on this phony persona of the brave Samurai warrior, and wants everyone to think he’s the sage, all knowing Buddha-like counselor. The guy is nothing but a joke. Perhaps you can tell I CAN”T STAND THE GUY!!!
I was in awe of Coach’s story last night. In awe that these pathetic pawns can keep him around. Honestly do they have a supply of Phenergan around to keep from throwing up their measly minnow and rice soup? And let’s not forget his accolades (from himself) about being a symphony conductor. He is truly a legend in his own mind!
This guy is the biggest D-Bag in the history of the world. Maybe it’s harder to smell BS in the jungle, but I can’t understand how this guy is actually duping everyone out there and they are letting him run things.
https://www.joeonthetube.com
Coach is SOOOOO over the top that I wonder if he’s pulling a “Joaquin Phoenix”….
Coach is a dip. Someone should tell him to shut the f up in the midst of his next fantasy narrative of The Adventures of Coach, Dragon Slayer. Also, he’s not as much of a mover and shaker as he thinks due to the rest of the crew being all over the place and having 8 angles each regarding what the plan is.
Yea, and the children said “coach save yourself. your life is worth more than ours.” But he said “this isn’t about me. i made that mistake once. i’m the dragonslayer!” then he drove that busload of burning children out of that building and all the children’s mothers wanted to marry him but he didn’t. because he walks alone. in the night. like a shadow. or a wolf. or something.
Ive worked special ops with the man in deep south america on many occ, He’s not as full of shit as people are beliving.(that’ll come out in the finale of survivor) That story he told about the abduction is classified, and should Not of even been thought about yet alone told. Even though the real story is a little diff. I dont know of any other I would rather have at my side when things get hot in the bush. When he was saying on the show “I could tell you guys hundreds of stories” I know he could tell at least half because I was there with him. /T-5
Hehe… you said “hot in the bush”
“nightwalker”? Give us a break…your pasty fat ass is living at home in your parent’s basement for God’s sake…wade is an absolute tool who is as full of shit as the day is long.
Let’s see… we have Night Walker and Dragon Slayer. Did I walk into a really bad Stevel Segal movie?????????
Coach is a TOOL!!!!!
The best way to tell a BS special ops story. Is the fact that they tell it at all.
OK, so um nobody knows much about hostile amazon tribes, becuase NOBODY who goes into their villages comes out alive. It was in a documentary I saw. And some of the worlds top spy’s have died in the amazon looking to see the lives of the indigenous people there. BUt obviously coach who is a white samuri could get past them. Come on you guys hes a dragon slayer! Give me a break hes full of shit from his gay ass hair to his retarded soccer socks which he wears even when hes not playing soccer!
Coach is my hero, I believe everything he says.
If that idiot Coach was into his being why couldn’t he stand on the little tiny ledge? Coach, you are such a phoney you make me puke, we were so EXCITED that you got kicked off because you stand no chance against JT!!
Perhaps coach is overcompensating for something he doesnt yet realise – his rampant fruitiness
Coach is not a liar. I was flying my homemade jet pack that runs on used motoroil and orange peels when I saw him jump out of an unmarked military helicopter with a kayak, a samurai sword, and a porta-pottie. His trip was going smoothly until the pygmies swarmed him. He was being modest though. He didn’t tell the part of the story about inseminating all the female pygmies before his escape. Seems the tribe is tired of being four feet tall so they saw coach as an opportunity to speed up evolution. Plus, his indian blood will bring some great genes to the tribe. They only wanted to kill him because after his 409th sexual encounter for the day he got tired and could no longer maintain an erection. I was going to help him escape but my jet pack ran out of fuel and I fell 1500 feet in to phiranna infested water and had to fight them off while floating all the way around the world to Florida where I hiched a ride on a giant tarpon who towed me to shore after I pulled a piece of gill net from his dorsal fin. Funny thing is, the tarpon actually knew Coach! The tarpon met coach on his world record nude waterskiing trip in which he skiied in every ocean on the planet in less that 3 hours. Coach is awesome. If I could I would have his baby but I am a man. Not nearly the man coach Wade is though. He proved how great of a man he is when instead of bringing a loved one to camp he brought his assistant coach. Coach is my hero. Oh well that’s all I have to say. Time to peddle my invisible spacebike to mars for lunch with Sheltak’alac-ptar.