Never fear, the Brain Trust is here! Just make sure you know where to find it (hint: ABC)

by Aryeh S.

The Janitor (no other character name known) has a problem. Who does he turn to? Not a family member, or one of the many doctors at Sacred Heart Hospital. No, he calls on his very own Brain Trust, that collection of otherwise clueless minds on Scrubs, who work in tandem to solve his problems.

The Brain Trust has had two manifestations. One we’ll call pre-Ted, one with-Ted (you thought I was going to say post-Ted, didn’t you?) The pre-Ted incarnation of the BT was sad (as opposed to pathetic). The core of the group:

The Janitor (Neil Flynn), he of the odd sense of humor and poor social graces. His story line revolves around ‘the grudge’, the original sin that J.D. (Zach Braff) commits in the pilot. Seeing Janitor fixing a sliding door, J.D. wonders aloud if someone might have jammed a penny in it. Janitor assumes that it was J.D. who did just that, and spends the rest of the series trying to get even. Wow. This guy is completely insane. He collects dead squirrels to stuff and mount, creating a rodent army that he commands. He impersonates a doctor (as Dr. Jan Itor, fake M.D.), at times resulting in his actually interacting with patients. In seven seasons we have yet to learn his name (Cosmo?), and apparently he played a minor role in the movie The Fugitive. Yes, Janitor is exactly who we want at the forefront of our problem solving crew.
Not to be outdone in the insanity department, Troy the Cafeteria Worker’s beef with J.D. stems from an inadvertent slight that J.D. made while trying to apologize to Janitor. Known to be ridiculously over-the-top (what’s the scale here?), Troy’s style makes even Janitor uneasy. With homicide always a viable option for Troy (Joe Rose) in dealing with J.D., it is by the grace of God indeed that Troy mainly sticks to spitting in J.D.’s food. Known most for his rage, Troy also has a lovely singing voice, and can be heard in the Janitor’s a-cappella group, the Hibbletons.
Randall Winston (Martin Klebba) is a junior janitor (lowercase) at Sacred Heart. A big fan of the punch to the crotch, Randall plays a role in an inordinate amount of J.D.’s daydreams. Yeah, weird. A longtime associate of Janitor, Randall sings alongside Troy in the Hibbletons.
Crazy-Eyes Margot is mostly a question mark (as opposed to just being questionable). A housekeeper at Sacred Heart, she’s a friend and advisor to the Janitor until she’s summarily dropped. Little else is known of this lovely, lovely women.

Quite a group. Unfortunately, when Janitor falls in love, his Brain Trust falls short. So it’s up to the BT with-Ted to solve his woes.

Ah, Ted. Theodore Buckland, attorney-at-law. Failure even at suicide. The saddest man in the room. And yet (really because of this) one of the funniest. Sam Lloyd plays the over-abused so effortlessly that he’s at a loss when merely being acknowledged. Bald and sweaty, Ted spends his time dreaming of killing Dr. Kelso (Ken Jenkins), his boss and tormentor. Also a singer (did the creators want to work on Broadway?), Ted is part of an a-cappella group called The Worthless Peons. While his fear of women (or is it the abomination that is his #1 pick-up line: “I want to make you pregnant”?) keeps him alone, Ted keeps himself busy by playing guitar in his air band, the Cool Cats, alongside Janitor on bass, Turk (Donald Faison) vocals and Lloyd on drums.
Doug Murphy (Johnny Kastl) is an utter failure as a doctor, so he finds a new life in pathology. What a world. Considered a savant in the field, Doug’s unique grasp on death stems from having killed so many of his patients that there’s nothing that he hasn’t seen. A tiff puts Doug on the outs with the Brain Trust, and he finds himself temporarily replaced by Lloyd.
The Todd (Robert Maschio, featured recently in my wife’s Columbia College Alumni magazine, as I’m told I want to share) is known for two things: being hyper-sexed and creating innovative forms of the slap five. There is no way to understand how this man passed the MCATs, let alone how he functions as a surgeon. He’s more familiar with a banana hammock than a scalpel, yet he dominates in his field. Only on TV folks!
Lloyd the Delivery Guy (Mike Schwartz) has been used brilliantly in countless story-lines (shockingly, Schwartz is a writer on the show.) From being the fallback picker-upper from daycare guy (how did they get the daycare to accept him on their okay to release to list?), to installing stripper poles, Lloyd is everywhere. And he gets his due when Janitor invites him to join the Brain Trust in place of an outcast Doug. Sadly, his tryout goes awry, and he once again finds himself on the outside looking in. Well, at least his drug addiction doesn’t seem to be leaving him anytime soon.

There you have it. Some of the finest minds around, vetted to build this shining think-tank, the brains to beat all brains. A custodial technician (and professional taxidermist), an attorney (so he’s never won a case, so what?), a doctor (dead people are still people) and a surgeon (okay, no way to spin that danger. Just don’t ever go in for surgery at Sacred Heart). Got any questions for them? Let’s tee it off!